Jesus QB vs. Bi Curious Vampire - Tale O' the Tape

Ok, so I got stuck watching, "Twilight 2" tonight and here’s my basic opinion. Somewhere, there’s a Hot Topic store empty of customers and fishnet stockings. I can’t say I am a fan of vampires or vampire lore but I do have a basic tenet when it comes to movies of this ilk. Here’s my usual rating system:

Vampire Movie - Hmmm. I may or may not see it.

Vampire Movie in which there’s a Vampire Hunter, Hunting Vampires - I’ll go.

Vampire Movie with Vampire Ninjas fighting other Ninja Vampires - Go Opening day

Ninja Vampires vs. Ninja Werewolves with Scantily Clad Vampires who may or may not be bi-curious. - Waiting in line overnight.

So, the movie was rather tepid and completely unbelievable; like unicorns or black people who drive Volvo’s but it wasn’t all bad. It got me thinking about this:

Pre Marital Sex Pooh-Pooher Tim Tebow vs. Bi-Curious Vampire, Edward Cullen


Cullen - Taylor Lautner turns into giant, fanged werewolf.

Tim Tebow - Taylor Wyndham comes hard off the right end

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Drinks the blood of innocent, woodland creatures

Tebow - Cuts the foreskins off of innocent Filipino babies

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Abstains from biting the neck of Bella Swan

Tebow - Abstains from doing body shots off of Erin Andrews

Score - Tebow



Cullen - Sparkles when exposed to Sunlight

Tebow - Sparkles when exposed to Sunlight

Score - Draw




Cullen - Has a hot sister who "sees" directly into his soul.

Tebow - Avoids making eye contact with Stuart Scott during College Gameday.

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Afraid of Holy Water, Crosses and Wooden Stakes

Tebow - Afraid of Disappointing Urban Meyer, Vaginas and the 4-3 Zone blitz

Score - Tebow


Cullen - Destiny controlled by a shadowy group of pasty faced blood suckers.

Tebow - The BCS.

Score - Tebow



Cullen - Commands an army of undead, soulless sycophants.

Tebow - Has Rece Davis, Linda Cohn and Mark May on speed dial.

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Possesses Superhuman strength and enhanced senses.

Tebow - Sweet Jump pass and a 22 on the Wonderlic test.

Score - Tebow



Cullen - Must battle evil incarnate for the woman he loves.

Tebow - Faces Nick Saban twice a year.

Score - Tebow


The Winner is Tim Tebow!!!!

II (Man, that's easy..)

Quick Hitters


"See Ya Korea…"

Congratulations to vagina and cigar enthusiast, Bill Clinton for getting Laura Ling and Euna Lee freed from a North Korean prison. The two journalists who work for Al Gore’s Current TV were accused of entering North Korea illegally and sentenced to hard labour.

Now, that it’s all over it seems like only a handful of questions remain:

Are there enough Asian actresses out there to portray the two women for the inevitable LifeTime TV network’s movie of the week?

They (Ling and Lee) were accused of entering the country illegally. Really? Really? Illegally? Really? This is like saying, "I only put the tip in..." Who wants to do that?

Why did Clinton do it? What was his angle? Have you ever driven your hot neighbour to the airport or bought girl scout cookies while on a date? Exactly. He was already pulling, Steve McQueen in a sensitive cardigan amounts of tail for being the President and now that he’s essentially, Batman, women will be powerless before him.


"Kane is Able…"


Way to go Patrick Kane. Way to add a level of “douchebaggery” to the NHL that was once the dominion of the NBA, Cincinnati Bengals and guys with barbed wire tattoos.


Chicago Blackhawks “Jesus with a wrist shot” sniper, Patrick Kane has been arrested for slugging a cabbie in the trendy downtown area of Buffalo NY. Kane and his cousin were arrested over a dispute involving not getting back .20 cents form a fifteen dollar cab ride. One can only ask the following questions:

Buffalo has a “trendy, downtown” area?

In Kane’s defence he thought there was a Buffalo Head Nickel in there?

Will it be a 5 minute major or 10 minute misconduct.

On the positive side. If Kane does any time next year then I guess that solves the Blackhawks upcoming cap woes.



Time Traveling. For Chicks?


Once upon a time the domain of time travel was strictly for murderous cyborgs and mid 80's sitcom stars. Well, hold onto your flux capacitors because, "The Time Travelers Wife" is about to debut with the girl from The Notebook (weepy) and some sensitive dude. Crap! Is nothing sacred?


Here's some deleted quotes from the cutting room floor...


Sensitive Time Traveler Guy (STGG) - "Why don't you go temporally displace me up some nachos.."


STGG - "But, Honey... Future you is all abot a threesome with your old college roommate"



Online Dating

Well, I’ve jumped into the interesting and quite frightening world of online dating. Here’s my general impressions:


Every woman wants you to know that she “wants a good guy with a sense of humour and common beliefs…” Shouldn’t that be a given? I mean, I’ve yet to see a profile for a guy that would describe himself as inherently evil.


“Have you met, “Kevin? He’s a Despot bent on world domination and controlling the weather. He has the heads of tax collectors and Jehova’s Witnesses on stakes outside of his compound as warnings to those that oppose him. We really share a love of smooth jazz and old movies.”


Is Hitler on Match.com?

I also noticed that a lot of women put photos of themselves on their profiles along with their cats. I’m no expert but if you really want to lure the boys in then show yourself holding a pie and bacon. Trust me, if a guy messages you to compliment you on your cats.. He’s about to become your gay best friend.


Finally, if you don’t like my sexual suggestions and erotic poetry then just tell me. I cannot keep the restraining orders straight right now.



Celebrity Couple Nicknames

Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson = Ahud? HahnSpahn and the Steroid Kid?

Kathy Griffen and Whoever = Ewwwwwww.

Grimace and Dolly Madison = Who cares. They're deliciously moist.

Mailbag.. Mailbag… Mail…

Dinah Lance of Round Rock, TX wants to know…


Hi Steve,


Do you know anything about Montreal? I noticed that you have mentioned things like French food Les Habitants, and Quebec quite often. We’d like to plan a vacation to Montreal in the winter.

Dinah,


Thank you for your letter. I am unfamiliar with the German language but I will do my best to answer your question.


You definitely want to visit Montreal in the late fall, early winter. It’s a beautiful city and contains all the architecture, style, cuisine that most European cities offer.



It’s far better than it’s supposed rival, New Orleans. Montreal is New Orleans without the stench of urine and fried dough everywhere.


Thanks for writing. I am sending you a bowl of poutine and a recording of me calling the three stars at the old, Montreal Forum

I (Catchy, right? Like Led Zeppelin Albums)

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually write the complete works of William Shakespeare. This may be true but I think that what actually ends up happening is you just get a bunch of illegible ramblings and monkey shit all over the keys. Which leads us to this….

Welcome to Contraria and Cereal. My little slice of the Internet in which I get to talk about the things that interest me: Food, Women, Hockey, Other Sports, Movies, Elitist Ramblings and other minutiae.

So, much like the singing of the National Anthem before an LA Clippers game. Let the inevitable carnage begin….

Fat People Date?
Imagine the worst train wreck in the world. Now, imagine that train wreck has hepatitis C and there you have FOX’s new reality dating show, “More to Love.” Here’s the blueprint: One big guy (6’3, 300 lbs ) looking for love will have to choose from 20 voluptuous women a la Bachelor style in order to find, “The One.”

Now, the obvious tact would be to make a bunch of fat jokes but it’s too common. In all honesty, these women are very attractive and more emblematic of the average US woman than the exposed ribcages and clavicles that usually inhabit these types of shows.

Nope. Nope, what makes this show so painful to watch is that these women are all incredibly fragile (Tracy McGrady fragile) in the self confidence department and if they thought “eating their feelings” was a coping mechanism for when Barry from P.E. passed you over on Sadie Hawkins Day back in Grade 9 you better get the IV of Haagen Daaz ready.

@Joe Flacco - “Albert Haynesworth’s ankles look fat”

The most image conscious sports league since, The White Supremacist Frisbee Golf League has weighed in on its players Twittering from the field. The NFL already bans mobile communication devices from the bench area which should take care of Tweets from the field during game day but what’s actually happening here?

It’s another consequence of the technological age feeding society’s need for immediacy. Case in point: My daughter and I watched a juggler at the park this weekend. She had a potty emergency before he had finished so on our way to the washroom she screamed out, “Hey, can you pause it while I go potty!” a la Tivo.

The way I see it is the NFL has yet another excellent opportunity to grow their product (as if they need it…) in a way unheard of. It costs them nothing to promote , they don’t need to do anything and they can just watch the fan base grow and grow while watching from the figurative sidelines. What’s the consequence?

Well, it will be very hard for them to regulate content and even harder for them to monitor but when did that matter? Terrell Owens, Vince Young, The entire Bengals roster, will find a way to get their notoriety out there regardless of the medium. It could be smoke signals or carrier pigeons. If T.O. wants to find a way to get you to watch him do push ups in the driveway he’s going to find a way.

I think in this circumstance what I see happening is that Roger Goodell will legislate on field and in locker room Tweets as best he can but outside of that venue anything goes. What will control players who want to tweet about everything. Allow me to project you into the future with my completely fictitious Sports Tweeter @douchebagger000.

@douchebagger000 - Out with the boyz chillin with gin and juice (apparently he’s also from 1995)

@ douchebagger000 - Getting spied on from some cute girls
@douchebagger000 - takin one home for a tour of the apt.
@douchebagger000. - how old are you if you’re born in 1992?

This will look great when entered into evidence as exhibits A, B, & C during @douchebagger000.’s statutory rape and then inevitable civil trial. It will be a case of “Who watches the Watchmen?” before you know it.

Personally, I like it. I like the players when they’re unpolished, “uncoreographed“ , untouched by the PR officer; it makes them accessible. Time will tell. Shameless plug. Hey, whadddya know.. I have a twitter account too. Follow me to freedom: Awesomness!

Quick Hits

Saaaavaaarrrrddd!!!!

The NHL winter classic will be the Boston Bruins vs. the Philladelphia Flyers this year. On January 1, 2010 and it will be held at Fenway Park. I’ve seen all three of the previous classics and I am looking forward to this one the most. I’m not really a fan of either team but the fact that it’s at Fenway with the Bruins sporting their classic jerseys makes it a must watch.

WTF

There’s a point reached when you’re reading, “Slaughterhouse Five” or watching, Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” where you say to yourself.. “WTF” Well, here’s that moment: WTF

“I’m the tank commander now, Barry”

What to do while waiting for the new episodes of Madmen to start? Well, my friend take a little look at something called, “Peepshow” on youtube. It’s a POV comedy about two guys just trying to get by.

Very funny. If I had to describe it I would say it’s like watching a documentary about two guys you went to high school with that left their “What I want to do after I graduate” section in their yearbook blank.

Bermanized

I am rather flaccid in my appreciation for the Chicago Bears. I’m not a real NFC guy and unless the Superbowl Shuffle comes back into vogue I really don’t care about anything ursine football related. However, the Bears are quite high on 3rd round pick, wide receiver, Juaquin Iglesias.

Now, I don’t care either way whether this guy lights it up or not but I am already dreading the requisite ESPN highlights by comb over enthusiast and sometimes teleprompter ejaculator, Chris Berman.

Iglesias is just ripe to be Bermanized…. “Cutler finds Iglesias in the end zone. To all the curl route, I loved before.” or “Iglesias catches it in double coverage. Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back?” If you’re quiet you can hear John Facenda crying in his grave.

Mailbag

If you have any questions about the blog, immature nicknames for boobs or other foolish shenanigans email me at steve_in_the_kt@hotmail.com and I will do my best to answer. If I publish your letter I will send you an authentic audio cassette mixed tape of me adding lyrics to the Brass Bonanza and doing the three star selection at the old Montreal Forum en francais.

Here’s this week’s mailbag:

Dear Steve,

I want to ask my GF to marry me. Any suggestions on how to propose?

Hal Jordan, Coast City, USA

Hi Hal,

Thanks for the letter. I am not terribly romantic but if my subscription to, "Letters to Penthouse Forum" has taught me anything it's that I really know women. So rather than me telling you how to propose here's three ways not to propose:

1. No Jumbotron - Ok, I'm not sure when some guy thought a woman would want the moment she'd been waiting for her entire life to happen while seated next to a guy with a beer helmet on his head or with a bag of peanuts whipping past her head was romantic but I can assure you this is a definite NO.
2. When she says she wants that moment to be "small and unassuming" what she means is "Will Michael Buble on a real unicorn singing her favourite song come before or after the 12 course meal on one of the moons of Jupiter."
3. If you cannot accomplish anything romantic, original or even with the remotely vaguest inclination that you put any thought into this what so ever then the ring you have best be about the size of a 5 year old's head. (...and not any ordinary kid. I mean that freaky kid from Jerry Maguire big.)

Good Luck! Mazeltov and Hong Kong Phooey

See you next week....

Psst. Follow me on Twitter.

Steve in the KT