Jesus QB vs. Bi Curious Vampire - Tale O' the Tape

Ok, so I got stuck watching, "Twilight 2" tonight and here’s my basic opinion. Somewhere, there’s a Hot Topic store empty of customers and fishnet stockings. I can’t say I am a fan of vampires or vampire lore but I do have a basic tenet when it comes to movies of this ilk. Here’s my usual rating system:

Vampire Movie - Hmmm. I may or may not see it.

Vampire Movie in which there’s a Vampire Hunter, Hunting Vampires - I’ll go.

Vampire Movie with Vampire Ninjas fighting other Ninja Vampires - Go Opening day

Ninja Vampires vs. Ninja Werewolves with Scantily Clad Vampires who may or may not be bi-curious. - Waiting in line overnight.

So, the movie was rather tepid and completely unbelievable; like unicorns or black people who drive Volvo’s but it wasn’t all bad. It got me thinking about this:

Pre Marital Sex Pooh-Pooher Tim Tebow vs. Bi-Curious Vampire, Edward Cullen


Cullen - Taylor Lautner turns into giant, fanged werewolf.

Tim Tebow - Taylor Wyndham comes hard off the right end

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Drinks the blood of innocent, woodland creatures

Tebow - Cuts the foreskins off of innocent Filipino babies

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Abstains from biting the neck of Bella Swan

Tebow - Abstains from doing body shots off of Erin Andrews

Score - Tebow



Cullen - Sparkles when exposed to Sunlight

Tebow - Sparkles when exposed to Sunlight

Score - Draw




Cullen - Has a hot sister who "sees" directly into his soul.

Tebow - Avoids making eye contact with Stuart Scott during College Gameday.

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Afraid of Holy Water, Crosses and Wooden Stakes

Tebow - Afraid of Disappointing Urban Meyer, Vaginas and the 4-3 Zone blitz

Score - Tebow


Cullen - Destiny controlled by a shadowy group of pasty faced blood suckers.

Tebow - The BCS.

Score - Tebow



Cullen - Commands an army of undead, soulless sycophants.

Tebow - Has Rece Davis, Linda Cohn and Mark May on speed dial.

Score - Cullen



Cullen - Possesses Superhuman strength and enhanced senses.

Tebow - Sweet Jump pass and a 22 on the Wonderlic test.

Score - Tebow



Cullen - Must battle evil incarnate for the woman he loves.

Tebow - Faces Nick Saban twice a year.

Score - Tebow


The Winner is Tim Tebow!!!!